Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize