I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
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I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
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The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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