I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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