i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
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There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
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i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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