I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize