I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize