My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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