Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
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No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
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We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You are a genius and a whore.
You left your phone here
Wait...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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