I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
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College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
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i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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