im six kinds of drunk right now
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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