Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize