I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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