you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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