Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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