What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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