now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
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he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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