did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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