Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
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I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
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Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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