Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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