I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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