the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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