Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
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Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
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I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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