I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
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you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
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I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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