I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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