Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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