When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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