my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
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Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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