i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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