a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
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I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
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I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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