even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
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So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
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So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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