You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
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While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
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Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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