Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize