he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
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we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
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Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My liver just had a heart attack.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize