My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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