It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
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she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
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Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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