I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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