I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
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