If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize