Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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