Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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