Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
there's paper in my vomit.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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