3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
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You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
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When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
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