dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
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My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
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Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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