and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize