So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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