I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
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For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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