Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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