Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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