My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
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There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
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I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I think i got beer on your cat.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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