my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
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When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sex in a hospital.. check
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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